Meltdown Today

I had a meltdown this afternoon toward the end of the day in class. We were working on a client position called the "frog," and I had a lovely partner with whom I didn't share a language. Bear in mind that several people in the room are good interpreters, so I did have a way to communicate to at least a limited extent. I will add, though, that being in a roomful of people who are very quiet and focused, it's awkward to have open conversation. 

In any event, I've used the frog position before in my 25 years of professional practice. I do it slightly differently, but I'm here to learn so want to become comfortable with this new way that I like better. I've been feeling remarkably inept as a bodyworker, a bull in a China shop, and overwhelmed. I'm surrounded mostly by gentle people, loving people, poetic people, graceful people, quiet people. 

My mind is busy trying to remember the things we're learning in class. I often lay my hands on a classmate and stand there like a completely inexperienced lummox. My hands stutter, are clumsy, feel like they don't belong on the end of my arms. I know what my hands feel like and can do, and these aren't the same hands. I know I can see with my fingertips, I know I can move with my heart, but not here. I feel completely inept and unable to do what comes so naturally to me back home. I feel like an imposter. 

Whatever. I just got frustrated at the end of a long, sweaty day, my mind went blank, I asked for help, and I just couldn't do anything but stand there and cry. The wise and gentle woman helping me was so kind, and the quiet woman on the table was so patient, and I was just completely useless and unteachable. 

More than once I've had the urge to just walk out, to quit, to give up. But I'm here because I want to be. I'm here to learn more about what I love so much. I've invested thousands of dollars and two months of my life. And my pride couldn't take the humiliation of walking away. 

If I had come in as a blank slate - tabula rasa - this would be easier and flow more smoothly. But my baggage of 25 years already practicing, 25 years of having control of my environment, makes this so much harder. Some of my classmates have very little background of any sort in massage, some are practicing professionals, but I think I've been at it longer than anyone here other than the teachers. There's a disadvantage to that. 

The first day of class they posed the question, "What are your perceived obstacles?" My answer right off the bat was that I was bringing in 25 years of experience that would get in my way. I was right. I had no idea I could feel this stupid and incapable as a result. 

I cried and cried. My partner patiently waited, we hugged, and class was ending. I wanted to run out rather than stand in our closing circle with my emotional guts hanging out, but I'm here for the duration so I held hands with the group and we ended our day as a complete class. Returning to my room, I laid down, and I woke up six hours later. No supper for me.

This, too, shall pass.